I thought I would start this blog off with a song, a personal favourite from Kari Jobe:
I heard this song for the first time at Overflow, a youth training weekend, back in February and at that point I didn’t really pay too much attention to it. It wasn’t until I had gotten home and listened to it properly that I began to understand it. It brought about a bit of confusion if I’m honest, because fully relying and putting my everything in to God always made me feel uncomfortable and filled me with dread deep down.
Its no secret that I am a control freak. I love to plan things out to the very last second and boy, if things don’t run to schedule I tend to get very narky! So, because of this, I thought I could never put all my trust to God and give away the one part of life that brought me comfort and a sense of purpose.
It took me a while to fully understand the lyrics and where they fit into my life because the song brought up a lot of memories, some good and some not so good, some I never want to forget and some I would do anything to erase. During that time I became very angry with God and constantly asked Him these same three questions;
- Why did You let these things happen to me?
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Where are You?
As some of you may (or may not know) I was diagnosed with pretty severe depression and anxiety a couple of years ago. This is something that I am still angry with God about. I’m angry because I always thought that God did things for a reason as He has a bigger and better plan for us, but I just can’t understand why He would put me through this. I mean He’s supposed to love me, right? Well, some days it really does feel like He doesn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t had a particularly bad time growing up, there’s just been a few glitches in the system. Some that I’ve struggled with more than others, and although I can now see God working in the background of some of my more miserable times, I still can’t stop feeling like I’ve been given the short end of the stick.
Now, you’re probably reading this and wondering ‘what has this got to do with the song? Well, listen to the bridge
‘If I have You, I have everything,
But without You, I have nothing’.
The one thing I’ve learned in my 18 years of life is that things will always change, friends and family come and go, bad things happen to good people, but the one thing that never changes in your life is God.
And although I have more than my fare share of arguments with God, I know, deep down, that at the end of the day, if I didn’t have Him, I really and truly would have nothing.