I was always a bit if an organiser (others might say bossy…) – opening a school in the garden shed during the summer holidays (including giving out homework =\ ) and coordinating the sale of homemade perfume (crushed flowers) to the neighbours. It makes me cringe thinking back – I must have been a pain!
When I was 10 I started having trouble with my hips and ended up in plaster casts for months. Despite the crutches and wheelchair, I was still out organising the activities on our road. Just as I started secondary school I’d another stint at home in casts – knees to chest. At the same time, we moved house. It was literally 5 minutes up the road but it broke my heart. Psychologically this massive gap seemed to form between me and my friends on the road and I found it hard to deal with. I played computer games for days on end. Looking back now I think I was depressed for a while. I didn’t have a role anymore. I felt lost and lonely.
At the time, I remember praying before bed but not really knowing God for myself. He wasn’t a presence in my life. As a teenager I began to read the Bible and made Christian friends. I wanted to know Jesus more and what I was learning and seeing in other Christians made me want to live my life with him in it. It became less about a weekly trip to church and more about a daily relationship. I started to value spending time with God myself. Often I experienced times out walking and talking and I’d be overwhelmed by a sense of God’s love for me. I came to realise that I don’t have to search for my place in the world by being organised, doing the right things or having lots of friends; I’m already accepted and loved. I don’t have to be noticed, because God already sees me. Of course, I’m still an organiser, but it’s not my end goal anymore.
One of my favourite verses is ‘seek first the kingdom of God, and all of these things will be added to you’. My life’s prayer is that I can seek God and his ways first, and then trust enough to leave the rest up to him. I know that no matter where I am in life I always have a role to play in God’s Kingdom.