I don’t think many of us enjoy waiting – we’ve come to expect quick responses, instant gratification. Infertility and miscarriage has been something many of our community have been affected by over the past few years. We ourselves would love to have a sibling for Nathan. We figured a wee one around his second birthday would suit just fine! But 3 ½ years later it just hasn’t happened. Those who have experienced infertility all come with different stories. Even myself and Michael have had different responses and questions.
Infertility is often described as a rollercoaster.
There’s the upside of excitement and hope – trying a new drug or treatment, that ‘two week wait’, the dreams of getting a positive result. Then the downside – the time of the month comes, and you feel frustrated and deflated, maybe this will never work, you have a little cry (and/or eat chocolate) and then you pick yourself up and start the cycle again…meds, injections, blood tests, tracking…. maybe next month. For many it’s all consuming and chips away at relationships, self-esteem, finances and faith.
When believers go through difficulties you’ll sometimes hear them say – ‘we’re putting our trust in God’ and so God has been challenging me – ‘do you trust me?’.
I feel we have more love to share in our family. Sometimes I hurt because I wonder if Nathan’s missing out. But there is not only one route for God. I know that He will take care of Nathan because He sees the bigger picture that I can’t. Do I trust that He is good? Do I trust that He will provide for our needs?
Things don’t always go according to plan. Do I still hold onto the lie that because I’m a Christian, things should go ‘right’?
You’ll hear it said – ‘things happen for a reason’. So we search for a ‘why’. A friend pointed out that sometimes bad things just happen. We live in a broken world and that’s sometimes the only answer to why. In that messiness and mystery, God is calling us to trust him.
The dream job, the other half, the healthy retirement, the mended relationship, the bigger house…If it never happens for you, do you still trust Me?
Jesus asks us to follow Him. We say yes, but sometimes we add conditions – after we’ve tended to our relationship, when we feel good enough, when we’ve life a little more sorted. But Jesus says, ‘now’. ‘All my ambitions hope and plans…’ – will I give him my life regardless?
So for me, Yes, I choose to trust and follow him even when I don’t always understand. When it comes to the crunch, I ‘consider it all loss compared to Christ’. I might have parts of my life planned out, how it should be, what might be best for us but I know it’s only with Jesus, I’m truly content. Joy is found in him alone. And so we wait, not in hopelessness but with Our God by our side for whatever is to come.
2 Responses to “Waiting for the Second”
Wow! My goodness, what a beautiful, beautiful piece. Your utter honesty was so deeply moving. Thank you for sharing this tender, gentle, authentic blog.
Such a deeply honest and moving blog B. Made me think of the lines of a hymn we used to sing when I was growing up. “ I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. But this I know at my right hand stands one who is my Saviour “.