All this Grief

It would be fair to say I am a bit of a strange character. I can go from very serious to a complete goofball in the blink of an eye. I’m eccentric at the best of times. I suppose it depends who I am with and what the atmosphere is like in the room I am in. But I’m consistent! Can’t take that away from me!! I blame Michael.

A lockdown really gives you time to ponder the sort of person you are and can help facilitate an extreme lack of sleep. It’s not often I am surprised by how I act or feel. When I was given the green light to return to work and start meeting with people again my overriding emotion was grief. I thought to myself, ‘oh this is new, and I don’t like it’.

Whatever profession you find yourself in, or in education, I think we have all been guilty as of late to wish things could go back to normal. It wasn’t that what we were doing all the time was the greatest party, but it was normal and to a certain extent easy. I was talking to my boss about this, we laughed at how easy it was to run a Sunday service, a youth group, a bible study and now we are jumping through hoops just to get people in the door. It’s a real moment to go ‘ah we didn’t realise how good we actually had it’.

As I have gone through these past few weeks, my grief has grown. And I’m oddly comforted that others feel the same. I’ve missed so much in my community. The people I interacted with, the laughs we had. But for me, I find myself missing those I worked most closely with, the teenagers, the kids, the parents. And it is grief that fuels this.

Giving your heart to a group of people and committing to them can hurt, but I never anticipated this.

We have all this grief and hurt and pain and we can’t even hug. I think sometimes a hug is just a really beneficial way of expressing what you feel to another person. Without it, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that loneliness can set in. I so want to put my arm around so many in my care and support them. But I can’t.

I wish I had a happy ending to this blog, but I don’t. I’m encountering this raw relationship with God where I have to rely on him to be that comfort, to be that embrace because people can’t do it anymore! Even writing this right now has me thinking this all sucks so much. While I don’t have a happy ending, I don’t think there needs to be one. God is close at hand protecting me, protecting you. I find refuge in the shadow of his wing, but still…grief.

Anyone else? Or is it just me?

Image: Trent Haaland on Unsplash

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